Unrequited Love Just Sucks

A Painful Journey with no Happy Ending

I Had to Return Just to Share This…

Ok, ok, it’s been a few years since I have returned and I don’t even know if anyone still follows this blog, but I had to share this. It hits so close to home I think it took a few shingles off of the roof and, no, I didn’t write this. The link is at http://www.roadandtrack.com/car-culture/a25448/this-stupid-car-saved-my-marriage/

This just goes to show you, the answer is always going to be Miata. At 135k, I still have no plans of giving her up.

So now for the not so good news. Well, not so good news for some, may be good news for me. I’m going to have to delete this blog soon. I can’t go into too many details, but I have been talking with various members of the Friends group for the state parks, and at some point this year, I will be filming the pilot episode of my video podcast. It will highlight various places around my state with a heavy emphasis on the state parks. I don’t know if it will be a success or not, but if it is, it would be too easy to trace this blog back to me and I can’t take that risk.

So once again, thank you. I read back to where this all started. I was miserable, trapped and had no one to turn to. These events, though, have led me on the greatest adventure of my lifetime. I still remember that journey I took across this great state and speak of it often. That single day changed my life. From there I continued to explore this great state. I discovered my passion for photography. The passion was always there. It just took this one push to bring it to the surface. Now I have a registered business. I spend countless hours donating my services to help various communities across this great state. I have met thousands of people along the way. I have made countless friends from one corner of this state to the other. I have made a name for myself. A while back, I actually had someone at work recognize my name because they have followed my work with the state parks. I have a completely different attitude at work. They treat me like I’m some kind of rock star now. Where I once felt cursed, I now feel so completely blessed. The only direction to go in now is forward. I wake up wondering where this great adventure will take me next. Maybe we’ll meet again one day. For now, though, I’ll be seeing you on YouTube.

Rough Beginnings

So I think I will go an entirely different direction here. As I have recently mentioned, I have started a photography business. Well it has been almost a month and I’m still looking to make my first sale. Yes, I know businesses are slow to get started, but I was hoping to at least get one customer by now. I don’t know. I guess I’m just afraid of failing. I already have over $6,000 invested into this business. I’m just afraid this will all be for nothing. Worse yet, I’m afraid I don’t have the skills to succeed in this business. I know I should be more confident. Afterall, I recently had my work critiqued by a big name photographer and he was impressed. Perhaps I need to get more aggressive. Well tomorrow I will think about what my next step should be. At least I’m not quite to the point where I need a “Will shoot photos for food” sign.

And She’s Gone

I just don’t understand. I know this is for the best. After all, I am married and nothing could happen between us. There isn’t really anything left for her here. So why am I so sad to see Carly go? Why do I feel so much regret right now for not telling her how I feel? I should feel relieved. I should be happy. Is it selfish for me to want her to stay? I just don’t understand. She has been the source of so much pain in my life these past few years. She came into my life like a runaway freight train and just turned my whole world inside out. So why do I want this conflict to go on? Why does it feel like a piece of my life is missing? This evening has left me with so many unanswered questions. Maybe tomorrow will give me a few answers.

Lost Sleep

I thought I lost alot of sleep dealing with my feelings for Carly. Dealing with starting a small business is much worse.

I’m just sayin’.

So I Should Probably Update Things for Those Who Still Follow Me….

It has been over a year since I said goodbye with the condition that I would stop by from time to time. So here’s the quick rundown on everything so far (It is almost midnight and I can barely keep my eyes open. You have been forewarned.)

So I went into an entirely different direction as far as what I want to do when (if) I grow up. I have found joy in photography. Last month, I launched my website and I am currently waiting for approval for my business application with the city to open a photography business. I am so excited. Unfortunately, I don’t see me leaving aviation for a full time photography career, but at least I can go back to a 40 hour workweek.

The Miata is still alive and kicking. She is currently 116,000 miles young and shows no signs of slowing down. Now she has a sibling as we traded in Kristen’s minivan in for a bright red Mini. It’s almost as much fun to drive as the Miata.

I have been able to manage the issues I have had with my very large demon claw of a heel spur that has plagued my existence for the past one or two years. I just have to keep a supply of anti-inflammatories ready in case I need it.

Kristen is doing well. She is no longer working nights and found a job that has her off during the weekends.

Now for the not so good news. After four hard years, Kristen’s father lost his battle with cancer. It happened back in May and there isn’t a day that goes by she doesn’t think of him. This is one of those times when I feel so completely helpless. I wish there was something I could do or say to make everything better, but I know only time can heal those wounds.

Ok, I know I haven’t mentioned Carly yet. I have been trying to figure out how I should go about this. I guess I should start from the beginning. Carly and Clay started dating a while back. I decided this was the best time to completely remove her from my life. This went smoothly for the longest time. She was with Clay so much, she barely had time to spend with Kristen and I was (conveniently) unavailable when she did have time. I would get status updates from Kristen from time to time, but I would just tune them out. Well a few months ago, things started going sour in the relationship. It eventually led to a nasty breakup. She was ready to spend her life with him and he just turned and walked out on her. Heartbroken, she has decided to move on and start her life over on the other side of the country. She leaves in two weeks. We had a yard sale so she could get rid of any unneeded items. While at our house, I thought it would be a good idea to practice shooting portraits,

That was a big mistake.

Perhaps it was pure arrogance to think I could have complete control of my emotions. After all, I haven’t even had any thoughts about her for so long. Perhaps my feelings for her were simply gone. Oh, how wrong I was. When you are behind the camera, it is easy to separate yourself from the environment. I just shot away. After a few hundred shots, I figured I would get some good photos out of it. Shooting was easy. Post-processing the photos were an entirely different story. There I am, zooming in and out studying every one of the 200+ photos I shot that day. Looking into her eyes with every shot I took. I had to get up and walk away at least a dozen times. This became the hardest photo shoot I ever had to go through. I kept strong and finished processing on 28 quality photos. I could see the sadness and heartbreak in her eyes. It hurt so much to see it. In some twisted way, I know the pain she is going through. At least she can talk to someone about it. I never got that luxury. So much of me wants to tell her she isn’t alone, but I know it would just hurt her more. I know, deep in my heart, she would never tell Kristen, but it would be another burden for her broken heart to bear. So here I am. Things are different this time around. I know I will survive this. I have survived every twisted arrow Cupid shot at me and I am still standing. I will move on from this, perhaps a little wiser for the wear. In the end, though, I am still standing.

It has been a little therapeutic writing again. Maybe I won’t wait an entire year to write up another update. Just don’t forget, there isn’t a cure for unrequited love, but it is treatable. Stay strong my friends and keep standing.

So This is Where it Ends

Well I was caught off guard when I got home from work. I pull into the driveway and see Carly getting out of Kristen’s minivan. Two months ago, this would have gotten an “ah crap” response out of me. Today, the first thing that popped in my mind was “let’s do this”. We sit around the living room for a while laughing and goofing off. The typical male side of me can’t help but get a peek at her cleavage from time to time. I can’t help it, I’m a guy. We go out for dinner. When we get back to the house, Kristen tells me she has a bad headache. I agree to give Carly a ride back to her apartment. Carly is only the 6th female to sit in the passenger seat of the Miata. She’s only the 2nd female that wasn’t family. I put the top down and we head down the road. It is a perfect temperature outside. We have friendly conversation while driving down the road. At that moment, I’ve wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to tell her more than I had ever wanted to since this whole ordeal began. We arrive at her apartment. She gets out, gathers her things and thanks me for the ride. She also mentions how much she loved riding in the Miata. With that, she turns and walks away. I know I will see her again, but at that moment, it felt like I was telling her goodbye. It’s that unusual feeling you get when you know a chapter in your life has just come to an end. You think back to the events that brought you to this point. You feel a little uneasy knowing your life will never be the same and you know you can never go back. It leaves me feeling just a little sad, but mostly, I feel liberated. It feels as though this whole ordeal brought my life to a complete halt.

So this is where we are. It has most certainly been a long journey. The feelings are still there and I’ve accepted the fact that they will probably never go away. In another time or another life, I things might have been a little different, but I know it was something that was never meant to be and I can accept that and finally move on. I want to thank each and every one of you that traveled with me on this journey. I don’t know where I would be today if it weren’t for every one of you being there when I needed a shoulder to rest my head on, or being there with good advice and well wishes or even just being there to let me know I didn’t have to face this alone. I don’t know how often I will be by here, but I will try to stop by every now and then. Who knows, maybe one day I will start another blog. A better blog. A blog full of happy memories and tales of adventures. For now, I guess this is goodbye. May we meet again one day.

Accommodating a Vampire

Well Kristen has been on 3rd shift for about a month now. We have had to make a few changes here at home to adapt to her new sleeping hours. So far, things have progressed well. I have had to spend more time with the house work since she is working longer hours now. The trade-off is she is making much more money now so I don’t have to work as much overtime. When I do work overtime, I am able to spend the extra money on the growing backlog of projects around the house. We have decided our next big project is to remodel the guest room. With much larger projects collecting dust on my to-do list, it may seem strange that the guest room would move all the way to the top of the list. We decided to tackle the guest room first so that we will have a second room to relax and rest in. I usually work around the house while Kristen is sleeping and vice-versa. The guest room is in the opposite side of the house so having the option to sleep in either end of the house will mean a better sleep for both of us.

Insomnia

Well it has been about two weeks since I last fell asleep before 11pm. I can’t figure out what is wrong with me. I tried completely cutting out any caffeine, but I still lie awake in bed. Maybe tomorrow will allow me to sleep a little sooner.

I know I have fallen behind on following blogs, but I am going to try to get caught up this weekend. I noticed my buddy Jodi has returned. I miss Savannah’s sarcasm and it’s been a few weeks since Marian last made me blush.

Endgame?

April 11th. After looking back at how things have played out these past couple of months, I come to realize this was the last time I’ve had a bad Carly experience. It most certainly does not feel like three months have passed. I haven’t seen her in about two months. With each passing day, it becomes more and more difficult to remember what she looks like. I’m faced with an entirely new emotion when I think about the next time I see her. I’m faced with curiosity. I find myself wondering how I will react, how I will feel while interacting with her and, most importantly, how I will feel after she is gone. I think it is time to invite her over and see if it is time to bring this blog to a conclusion.

Windmills and Bumpy Roads

Well at least I got to visit with family last week. I drove the Miata ALL the way up to northern Illinois for our big yearly family reunion. Well I don’t think I’ve ever been on worse roads than the ones in Illinois. There was at least two occasions I thought I was going to blow a tire with all of the potholes in the road. Next time I go up there, I’m taking the truck. I did manage to find one geocache while I was up there. I was stuck in a tree on the side of a gravel road in between two corn fields. It didn’t look like anything other than tractors have seen this road in years. Imagine my surprise when a Prius drives by. Along the way to the reunion, I pass by a very large group of windmills. Where I live, there are mountains all around and not a single windmill to be found. This was my first time seeing one in person. On the drive back, I couldn’t resist the urge to pull off of the interstate and stop to take a few pictures.

I still can’t get over how large they are. Once I’m done taking pictures, I get back on the interstate and leave Illinois as quickly as possible. I made it home in record time.